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Table of Contents | ||
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Note 1: A Group For E.R. Moms Note 2: Advice From An ER Mom Note 3: BYU-I Devotional Note 4: Devastating Note 5: Friends Son Note 6: Help From The Bishop | Note 7: No Prying Note 8: Note With Cookies Note 9: Personal Experience 1 Note 10: Personal Experience 2 Note 11: Response From A Dad Note 12: Sensitive Subject 1 Note 13: Successful Program | |
| If you have a missionary who was sent home for any reason, consider joining one
of the Early Returned Missionary Moms Email Groups. There is a group for those who couldn't complete their mission becaues of medical difficulties, and another for moral or other reasons. You will get support through those groups unavailable elsewhere. To join and read more, visit this page: LDS Early Released Missionary. |
| Dear Missionary Moms,
It's been a month since my son and six other missionaries were sent
home. Some were sent home for being in places they should not have not
been and others were sent home because they knew of the disobedience and
didn't tell the mission president. As you prepare to talk with your missionaries this Christmas, I encourage you to remind them of the importance of following the mission rules. And also remind them their first priority is to the Lord and the second is to the mission president. This has been the most difficult experience I have ever had. Please discuss with your missionary the importance following the rules. |
| President Kim B. Clark gave a talk entitled Follow the Son with Full Purpose of Heart on April 17, 2007. The full text can be read Here. If you Click Here, you can visit the page that lists all the devotionals for 2007 at BYU-Idaho, and there's a link to listen to Follow the Son with Full Purpose of Heart online (unfortunately it only works on Microsoft PCs), or download an MP3 of the talk. This talk uses as an example a young man, he calls Michael, who enters the MTC, and while there, is touched by the Spirit and has things come to the surface for which he realizes should have been taken care of long before he entered the MTC.
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| Having to return early from a mission is very devastating. I know from personal experience how damaging this can be. The best thing others can do is to show an abundance of love and support. Don't do things you feel uncomfortable doing, because that will show through, but consider invitations to your own family home evening to give a "homecoming" report. There have been early returned missionaries who have left the church. If it's available consider church counceling from the LDS Social Services. They are an excellent resource with specialists just for these things. |
| One of my closest friends son's just came home from his mission a day
before he was to leave the MTC. It is such a difficult time for the
missionary and the parents. All parties involved face embarrassment and
shame. My friend said that her ward was fabulous. People would just come to the house with a plate of cookies and express love and acceptance. The first time back to church is a very hard day....so for him to have seen so many people before heading through the chapel doors was very helpful. The missionary needs to be right on with his life as an active member of the ward. He needs a job, or to go to school and a calling, if possible. People need to work hard to remember that although his mission may be over...his activity in the church is not. This is a time for a lot of hugs and handshakes. Good luck |
| My Son came home from his mission a few months ago--early. He was able to
serve only 9 months. We, like these parents, were devasted, especially our son. I wrote into my missionary moms group for support. One idea I used was that the Bishop get up and announce his return. My son's early release was medical, but the bishop helping that way made it so much easier on us. We had many neighbors and people from the ward say to him "Welcome Home Elder". I never felt any judging. In fact a testimony meeting revolved around not judging people who come home early, because they suffer the same problem as my missionary, depression. It has made getting 'normal' life back so much easier. |
| I would just like to add my two cents worth. Whether a missionary comes home early for health reasons or other, it is none of anyone's business. I had a missionary come home from the MTC for 3 months for health reasons before he returned to the MTC to finish his language training. I had people constantly ask me to tell them the "real" reason he was home. Don't make it difficult for the family or the missionary. They are home, whether temporarily or permanently, for whatever reason, and it is none of anyone's business. It is difficult enough for the family and missionary to even come to church, especially that first Sunday. Just be the person the Savior would want you to be towards the missionary and the family. Don't pry, even if it is for health reasons. A person's health is personal and if they want to share they will. Each of us has the right to privacy. MM Sister Mitchell |
| We had this same situation with our next door neighbor's son.
I found out his favorite kind of cookies, made a large batch
and packaged them up for him. I wrote the following note to him, sealed it in an envelope and gave it (and the cookies) to his Mom.
Welcome home. We know things are kind of topsy-turvy for you right now, and know the reasons your are here are none of our business, but want you to know you (and your family) are loved and have our support through this difficult time. We hope these cookies will show you we wish you the very best, so, like eating cookies one at a time, remember to take your days one at a time and things will be fine. We love you, The _____ Family
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| I hope I can offer some personal insight into Early Release Missionaries. Our oldest son was well on his way to fulfil his mission assignment but while in the MTC he counseled with his priesthood leaders and they decided that the time was not right and he needed to return home and work out some things. I can tell you it was an emotional phone call and my heart ached for my son. He was in so much pain. He was so fearful to come home because he knew there were several women in the ward that had been gossiping about him for months and playing the odds game to see if he would even "make" it out. He came home with great advice from one of the priesthood leaders. He was told to go to church the following morning with a smile on his face knowing he was now doing the right thing and let everyone else worry about the rumors and gossip. It was hard, but we all did just that. We found so many people willing to love and help him through that time. I think we all learned so much about our Savior's love for us and how the Atonement is personal and so real to us as individuals. I can tell you there were also a lot of people that did not know what to say so they said nothing, at least to us. I had one friend stop by with a flat of sweet peas and a listening ear. It was the best! She let me talk...and just listened. So my advice is to be there with a smile and do not judge. No one knows why these missionaries are returning early and none of us are perfect. We are all here for the same reason: to become more like our Savior and to learn. The great news is, our son returned to the MTC after a time and has served two great years that he would not trade for anything. He now understands that the fear of those women and their judging remarks hurt them more than him in the long run. I have to say that I had a friend whose son had to come home for health reasons 6 months into his mission, he was never able to return to the "field" and was honorably released by our Stake President. It has been years, he is married and in graduate school and still has pain from that time in his life. People gossiped after he came back and he knew it. I wonder how those members would feel to know how much unnecessary pain they have caused in this young man's life? So, smile and be sincere and the families and their early returned missionary will be grateful to know that they are in a loving and accepting place. |
| Our ward has had the distinction of having four boys return early from
their missions in the last ten years. One of them was my son. Let me share
what happened when my son came home early from the MTC: There is nothing you can say to those parents right now that will help them, but a hug and letting them know you love them and their son (if you know them). If you don't know them, say nothing more than you would any other Sunday. I guess hearing how successful the other missionaries are doing won't be too helpful for the first few weeks and don't be offended if they walk away when you are answering questions about your own missionary. First day back, my son wanted to go to the temple: one of our ward sisters (that I didn't know well) was working there and came up and asked if that was my son and when I replied yes, her response was it didn't matter why he came home early, it mattered that he was home with those who love and care for him and he was in the temple. Later that day, the Young Mens President came by to talk a long time with our son -- his message was: you were a worthy, outstanding young man before your mission and you still are. After that visit, the Elders Quorum President came by to speak to our son and my husband. He was told that he was to hold his head high and come to priesthood meeting in the morning. His Dad would be on one side and the president would be on the other side through all the meetings. At church the next day, there were no whispers or anything -- people shook his hand and told him they were glad he was there. The following Monday, the Elders Quorum President asked my son to get dressed and go with him on a few "errands" and out to lunch -- his errands were meeting with other business owners and by Wednesday, my son had a job. That same week, some elders came to pick him up to play basketball (which he loves) with the other elders. The church headquarters called several times to check on him -- once they called me and asked how my son was being treated by others -- our family, our extended family, our ward, our Bishop and our Stake President. I had the distinct feeling they were checking up on us as members of Christ's Church and how we were treating one of His children. Everyone's goal was that our son NOT become inactive and leave the church. The same goal we have had with every young man. Of the four who have returned, two have been married in the temple, one joined the military and his family moved away, and our son now attends a student ward. When the last boy came home, the Stake Presdient stood and announced that he was returning from his mission and he tactfully said the young man continued to be worthy and that was enough to be said. No questions should be asked or comments made. Unfortunately, his family now seldom attends church even though he has happily married in the temple. The main thing the family and missionary needs is love, acceptance, and lots of prayers. I'm sure the mother [who submitted the question this help page is meant to help] is terrified that her son may leave the church because he feels like a failure or doesn't belong or has let people down. And if she is like me, she just doesn't want to talk about any of it except with the Bishop or Stake President. Definitely do not ask the whys or details even if you are close friends. She still may not want to discuss it. It really is a different type of grief, but it is grief. The very best thing is a smile, your normal level of friendliness (and hopefully that is pretty high level with everyone) and keeping them in your prayers -- and not asking questions. |
| In response to the question about Early Returned Missionaries (as if I have any wisdom at all):
--Matt 22:39
As for rumors and gossip, well....
30. And grieve not the holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of redemption. 31. Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: 32. And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you. --Ephesians 4:29-32
Another great tool is prayer. Pray for those involved to have faith and hope. Pray to know what the Lord would have you do and say. Fast, if necessary, for the wisdom to know and strength to do the right thing. |
| What a sensitive subject for tons of people... Our family went through this experience not too long ago. It was so difficult for our son and for us as parents to watch our son be so uncomfortable. It is difficult for others to know what to say also. We found it IS better to say SOMETHING than to say nothing at all!! I think the best is express your love and smile, or just shake their hand and smile. Don't ask the early-returned missionary or the parents "Why is (s)he home, what happened??" Usually if it's a medical situation word gets around. If it is not medical, don't ask - use your common sense! Just express your love. Don't be judgmental and talk about "why's". There will be lots of gossip, but there will also be talk based on charitable concern for the missionary and the family. Our children were deeply affected and shed a lot of tears. But we were NEVER ashamed!! We stood by our son the entire time and helped him through. It is so important to stand together as a family, it is the family that will be the strength and support. I remember feeling so concerned for my son, my heart ached for him. While he was home we talked and talked. People visited and brought church books and pictures. One thing my son said was so important was that he had served a portion of a mission - he learned, taught, grew. He wanted to talk about it!!! We had visitors that just sat and visited with him about his mission service - it was so neat for us to hear him talk about his experiences as a missionary. He just shined! I would suggest visiting with these young people and their families, informally, and ask about the service. Don't ask about the expected time for a return to service - unless you know for sure that's going to happen. It was a difficult journey, but my son did return to the mission field after 8 months. His testimony of the Atonement and his relationship with his Savior has made him a better missionary and will help him be a better husband, father and priesthood leader. Don't leave these early release young people alone!! They need love and support!! They need friends, they need ward members' love. Invite them to activities. Talk to them and love them. Don't ever ignore or just walk past them. The returned person is uncomfortable and uneasy - be their friend and help put them at ease. Give them a hug! Here is where we really ought to live the saying, "What would Jesus do?" Surely He loves ALL of us, regardless of circumstance or weakness! |
Betty and I know the founder of this program and feel very comfortable recommending this program to anyone who loves a child who seems to be losing their way. They have helped Early Returned missionaries find themselves and move forward with "a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men." (2 Ne 31:20). |
